For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy, and a fear that I’m as intelligent as I claim to be. Over the years I have struggled with these feelings, trying to be a name or a situation or some logical explanation to why I had these feelings. The worst part about having these feelings is that I achieved a goal or had any kind of success, I couldn’t accept people’s praises or their congratulations. It wasn’t because I was being modest or humble or trying to get more praises- it was legitimately because I didn’t feel like I deserved their praises and congratulations. It felt almost fraudulent to accept an award or an honor or anything that showed my success because I felt like it all belonged to someone else, someone more deserving than me, someone better than me… and it was wrong of me to accept it when I didn’t deserve it.
And it’s always been this way. I’ve always been hard on myself, always felt like I wasn’t good enough or like I wasn’t deserving. And no one could figure out where it stemmed from. My parents, though they could be strict, never made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. They never pushed me to do well in school or forced me to do all my homework before I could play- well maybe they had to force me to do the Math homework, but it’s Math, so I feel that’s perfectly understandable- and they always told me how proud they were of me and still continue to do so even now. But I never felt like I did anything worth being proud of. Graduating high school, getting accepted into a great college, making the Dean’s List several times, graduating college… all of it just felt the norm, none of it felt like anything worth being proud of because so many other people do it. And sad thing is, I know these were accomplishments and successes that some people never have… yet I didn’t feel truly proud of myself for any of it.
It wasn’t until I watched a video from YouTuber Allison Anderson where I realized that these feelings I had struggled with for so long had a name and was considered a syndrome. That syndrome is called Imposter Syndrome. Never heard of it before? Here’s a brief explanation as to what this syndrome is and admittedly, I did grab it off Wikipedia, but from everything I have read, it is an accurate definition.
Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon, impostorism, fraud syndrome or the impostor experience) is a psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. Despite external evidence of their competence, those experiencing this phenomenon remain convinced that they are frauds, and do not deserve all they have achieved. Individuals with impostorism incorrectly attribute their success to luck, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent than they perceive themselves to be.
Reading this made me think back on so many times in my life when I felt this way. When I was accepted into The International Honors English Society, I was excited for a moment… and then I felt like I didn’t deserve it at all. English has always been my best subject and in college it was my major, meaning I was committing myself to it fully. Even though I had amazing grades to prove that I deserved this honor, I felt like someone else deserved it more. This feeling grew when I listened to the speaker who spoke at the ceremony. He was so well spoken and intelligent, better than I am on both accounts and while I was in awe, I was also waiting for someone to point at me and say “She doesn’t belong her. She isn’t as intelligent as the rest of us.” Of course no one did, but I was still waiting for it to happen. I never told my parents or anyone else that I felt this way because once again, I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to get more compliments or have a huge fuss made over this accomplishment.
There is so much more to imposter syndrome then what I’m sharing now. But if I had to categorize where I fall under this syndrome, I’m definitely a perfectionist. In my mind, anything less than perfect is a failure. If I don’t reach my goals at exactly the time I set for myself, I’ve failed even if I eventually reach them. I expect a lot out of myself, partially because I want a better life for myself and partially because I know a lot of people are expecting great things from me… and that makes me feel pressure. But ultimately the person who has always put the most pressure on me is me. I’m my own worst critic, enemy, etc. I’ve tried so hard to break that habit, told myself hundreds of times that absolute perfection isn’t possible and I need to stop striving for it, that I have so much to be proud of… and it never sticks.
The Used has a song called I’m A Fake and that song has always resonated with me because I feel like a fake. I feel like one day somebody is going to call me out and reveal that I’m not a good writer, friend, daughter, girlfriend, etc, and that all my accomplishments, all my successes, and ultimately all my happiness is undeserved… and it’s those kinds of thoughts that give me anxiety and make me depressed. And the worst part is I know I’m not fake, I know I’ve worked hard to get to where I am and I’m still working hard to get to somewhere, but it just doesn’t stick. So many times I’ve looked at myself in the mirror and asked “Why are you like this?” At least now I have some sort of answer to it.
There is so much about imposter syndrome that I haven’t even touched on, but I don’t want this post to get too long and boring. So below I will leave a link to the Wiki page about this syndrome. If you would like me to write a follow up post about this, please let me know! And if you have any experience with Imposter Syndrome, I would love to hear about it if you feel comfortable sharing it with me.
May the rest of your week go well!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impostor_syndrome
Dear Anxiety- We Need To Talk 