If there’s one thing I’ve realized more and more over the years is that while my anxiety impacts my life more than anyone, I’m not the only one dealing with it. My parents, my friends, and my co-workers all in some way, shape, or form feel some parts of my anxiety or deal with the collateral damage from it. How many times have I snapped at someone I love during an anxiety attack? Said things I didn’t mean and would never say any other time? Jumped to the wrong conclusion and made something out of nothing? How many times have I pushed people away? Told them they would be better off without me? Or that they didn’t understand and to go fuck themselves? More times than I can remember, more times than I’ll ever want to admit, and more times than should ever happen. Yet somehow through it all, people have stuck by me and I can’t figure out why. To me, it makes more sense when someone walks away, when they tell me my constant overthinking, my quick negative reactions, my inability to be- for lack of a better word- normal, that my constant over worrying, panicking, anxiety, etc is too much for them to deal with. Why does this make sense to me? Because I know I’m a lot to deal with, especially on my really bad days, and not everyone can handle it. Even though I understand why someone would walk away, it doesn’t hurt any less when they do.
For years i’ve considered myself damaged goods, my definition being that I know there’s a lot of good in me, that I have the ability to love and be loved in return, that I can still do everything that everyone else can, but it’s all buried underneath my damaged mind that I need time to fix. But here’s the problem- No one wants damaged goods, no one wants a broken toy. We live in a society where people are constantly trading in their old phones that are still working well in order to get the never, BETTER version of it. Where if something is broken it makes more “sense” to go out and buy a new one instead of trying to fix what broke. Where relationships are seen as expendable because people can easily find someone new to replace their old partner. And this absolutely sickens me that this is the way society is choosing to operate itself. Now I’m not saying everyone is like this because I know they aren’t. I know I’m not like that. I’ve only had four cell phones throughout my life and the first one had to replaced because I switched cell phone providers and then the other three were replaced because they couldn’t be fixed due to their age . Same with laptops- I’m on my third laptop only because my previous two couldn’t be fixed due to age. The only reason I went out and bought new jeans is because when you go to scratch your leg and your finger goes through the denim, that isn’t good!
Now you’re probably wondering what this has to do with relationships, so I’ll tell you. We live in a society where sites like Tinder, PlentyOfFish, Match, ChristianMingle, etc exist. So what exactly does this mean for us? It means that meeting our next one night stand, next weekend fling, next boyfriend or girlfriend, next husband or wife/ex-husband or wife is one click away for us. And if it doesn’t work out, there are hundreds of other candidates for us to choose from. In my opinion, this method has led people to believing other people are easy to discard and replace. As someone with anxiety who is always selectively social and still believes that true love and soulmates exist (cue laughter here) this is a scary thing. Why? Because I know just by the fact that I have anxiety, it’ll make people see me as easier to discard and replace.
I know nothing lasts forever, that in the long run, overall grand scheme of the Universe everything is temporary. But I don’t think knowing that should make it easier for us to treat each other like cell phones or cars or clothes. We have feelings, we have the ability to make change and create an impact. We think, we breathe, we EXIST. I know our lives are temporary, that in the grand scheme of time we’re just a tiny blip and that over time our existences will be replaced by new ones, but that doesn’t give us the right to treat each other like we’re disposable. And even though I’m not always the best at friendships or relationships, they matter to me. I take them seriously because I want them to last. I’ve had the same best friend since I was fourteen, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not thankful to have her. We’ve been through a lot and I know some days she would probably love to smack me upside the head, but on those days she sticks around, she doesn’t go out and look for a new best friend to replace her old broken one. Instead, she tries to help me repair myself so I don’t feel broken anymore. And this is what we all need more of in this world- People who won’t abandon us when we’re broken, but instead help us repair ourselves.
Please don’t take this as I believe that absolutely every person who comes into your life you have to hold on to because that isn’t my belief at all. If someone is toxic to you. If they mentally, physically, emotionally, verbally, or sexually abuse you. If they make you feel worse about yourself, bully you, basically if they are harmful to your health, your life, your body, or your mind, then I absolutely believe you need to discard them from your life. YOU matter first and foremost, so don’t be afraid to tell a toxic person that you’re done with them. But if someone in your life genuinely cares for you, tries to be there for you any way they can, sticks by you through the good and bad, then don’t discard them like they’re nothing because they are something- A person worth holding on to. I fully acknowledge that feelings change over time, that people and relationships don’t always stay the same and we can grow apart, but there is a difference between a relationship dying a natural death and it being murdered. Just make sure you know the difference.
I know this has been a very long post, but I want to know your opinion on this topic. Do you agree with me? Disagree with me? Are torn down the middle? Let me know believe and let’s get a discussion going about it!
Dear Anxiety- We Need To Talk 
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