Why Trying to Change Myself Didn’t Work (And Why I’m OK with It)

About a week or so ago I was scrolling through Pinterest for some inspiration. We plan on moving sometime before March, so I was looking for office inspiration zen room inspiration, and plant decor inspiration because I want my office to be a mixture of what I imagine the Ravenclaw Common Room to look like and a Wiccan forest. It’s a combo, I know, but once we move my office will be the space I’m in the most, so I want it to be filled with good vibes and books, lots of books! So while going through Pinterest I decide to go through my personal boards to see if there were any hidden gems I had forgotten about that would fit my vision. While scrolling through some of my boards I was seeing different Chanel prints and bags, fashion prints and decor, makeup prints and looks, and a while bunch of other stuff that doesn’t fit who I am. When I saw all these things it made me reflect back to a time when I pinned those and what I had hoped for myself at the time.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I’ve received on my mental health journey is to “Fake it until I make it,” meaning even if I don’t feel a certain way, I should fake it until I do. In my opinion, this is the worst piece of advice anyone could give someone! We shouldn’t have to be fake about anything, and sometimes when we try to fake things, we end up becoming fake… which is what I was in danger of doing to myself. With the “fake it until I make it” mentality in mind, I would sit there and go “Well anxious and depressed me likes ABC, so non anxious and depressed me should like XYZ. So that’s what led to me pinning things like Chanel bags, fashion prints, and makeup looks- because that isn’t who I am as a person at all.

So I started trying to dress more “normal”, which for me meant not so much black clothing, tighter fitting clothes, not so much eyeliner, and a lot of other things that weren’t genuine to who I am as a person. I stopped shopping at Hot Topic and tried shopping at other stores that were more commercial, like Burlington, Ross, Marshalls, etc. But in my partial defense, I was also working my first real job and the dress code was business causal, so my boss would have flipped his lid had I worn clothing from Hot Topic So shopping at those stores did serve a purpose, but some of the clothing leaked into my everyday look as well. I liked some of my work clothes and I still have a few pieces from that time, but soon it got to a point where I felt like I was wearing a costume all the time… and I felt uncomfortable. All my designer bags and shoes came from my job at the time (which was Payless for anyone who was curious) and I waited until they were on sale to buy them because the thought of paying more than $20 on a pair of shoes felt ridiculous to me! But I thought by having these nicer clothes, the nicer bags, and the nicer shoes, I would look like less of a mess on the outside, which would in turn fix my inner mess. And that definitely didn’t happen!

In the end, all my attempts at being “normal” and looking more like what I thought a mentally sane person looked like, just made me feel like a fake. Somedays I would look at myself in the Calvin Klein shirt I bought on sale, dress pants, carrying the Christian Siriano bag and wearing the Christian Siriano shows, and wonder who the fuck I was looking at. I didn’t recognize myself and it was scaring me. More anxiety and depression started to creep in along with Imposter Syndrome and soon I was dealing with a bigger mess than I had originally started with it!

Looking back, I know a lot of this belief stemmed from working at Payless. They were very strict about dress code and how employees presented themselves. Your hair had to be a natural color, tattoos had to be covered to the best of their ability, and even when it was ridiculously hot outside and inside, tank tops shouldn’t even be thought about! Between trying to contain my inner mess and be what the company expected me to be, I turned into a fake and suppressed so much of who I really was for the sake of appearance and a paycheck. So what happened when I was fired from that job? I dyed the ends of my hair blue and got the wrist tattoo I had wanted for awhile. Most of the work clothes were donated or sold, though I did keep a few pieces I genuinely liked. I kept most of the bags and shoes because I really did like some of the bags (especially one that was so huge I could hold 3 books in it if I wanted to) and the shoes were good for job interviews.

Did I buy any designer bags or shoes after this? Not that I can recall. Did I keep shopping at Burlington, Ross, and Marshalls? Occasionally, but not that much (they do get in some really awesome Halloween decor though and Marshalls has an excellent candle selection). Did I go back to shopping at Hot Topic, wearing a lot of black, and going. bit heavier on my eyeliner again? Hell yeah I did! Because I realized that faking it until I made it didn’t work for me. Trying to change the outer me to make the inner me better wasn’t the right way to go either. Someone can look polished and put together, but it doesn’t always mean they are.

Scrolling through my Pinterest boards and seeing all of that made me realize a few things:

1. I’ve come a long way in my mental health journey and in my approaches to dealing with it.
2. I will never be one of those women who spends $500 on a handbag, a pair of shoes, or any other article of clothing (However, this excludes a wedding dress, though I’m searching for one that isn’t more than $500).
3. I will never be a fashionable woman who can walk in heels with poise and elegance. I look like a baby giraffe when I walk in heels. Give me a pair of boots or comfortable sneakers any day!
4. Spending more than 10 minutes on my makeup feels like a waste of time, so where did I ever get into my head that I would do a makeup look that takes longer than that?
5. And the most important thing I’ve realized is that trying to change who I was made me miserable. I made myself feel shamed of who I was instead of being proud of who I was.

The most important lesson I hope you take away from this post is that you should never have to “fake it until you make it.” You should always be genuine about who you are, what you like, and how you feel. Never suppress who you really are for who you think you should be. Obviously, we should maintain professionalism and a certain level of decorum when in certain situations, environments, or around certain people, but that doesn’t mean we can’t be ourselves while maintaining those standards. It’s about balance. So please, don’t fake it until you make it. Always been yourself even if someone else doesn’t like it. Because when we are completely ourselves, it allows to love ourselves and attract people who like/love for us who we really are.

So everything that doesn’t fit with who I really am has been deleted off my Pinterest boards or is in the process of being deleted (because there was a lot of stuff)! Now my Pinterest boards look more like who I really am- which is a bookworm with a longing for a library and a house that looks like a mixture of Hogwarts and the Addams family house with lots more plants, crystals, and vintage inspired furniture- or hopefully some actual vintage pieces. And it feels good to fully embrace myself instead of feeling ashamed about who I am and what my interests/tastes are.

I would love to know your thoughts on the “Fake it until you make it” advice people seem to love to give. I hope everyone has a great week!